We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
