walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
