she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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