This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
