I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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