Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
