I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
