It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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