I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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