If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
operation harelip BJ is a go
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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