Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
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I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
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He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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