I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
