The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
