the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
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I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
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He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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