It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
