The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
