weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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