found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
