Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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