I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
