god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
