The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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