he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
