I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
