I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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