so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
