I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
