In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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