He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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