I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
