Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I am naked and annoyed.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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