I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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