this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Boobs speak an international language.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Randomize
