It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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