I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
