Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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