We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
