pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
