God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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