just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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