she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
