Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
