I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
