How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We don't watch enough power rangers
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize