I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
