I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
