the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
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I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
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I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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