The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
