Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
