WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
