I faked an abortion last night.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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