I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
