I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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