why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
