oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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