No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
